I AM THE PUPPET MASTER AND I DON’T EVEN MEAN TO BE

today should be a happy day. why do I feel sad then?

I was never the ‘babe’ that everyone thought was stunning and wanted to be with.
I’m not saying I was a social pariah or anything, I have friends, I’ve had relationships, and I’ve even had people develop feelings for me when I can’t tell them the same.

I was a weird kid, and an even weirder highschooler. I worked around that. I think its pretty cool that I do my own thing, and don’t worry about what people think of me.
But only a few other people ever noticed that, let alone liked it.

I’d like to call myself emotionally stunted but that’s being nice. the few relationships I had, never lasted long and usually always came about because of my eagerness to be loved. I’d get all flattered, be madly in love, then after a while I’d notice all the little things I dislike about them and realise that I’d make a mistake and taken someone else down with me while I was at it.

So I stopped dating. kept to myself. and I got damn good at it. I revelled in being a lone wolf. I could kiss whoever I wanted, dance with whoever I felt like dancing with. I could go wherever I wanted without having to explain to someone why I was going there, or why I had gone out without knowing where I was staying.
In all honesty, I’m a gypsy and I like be untethered and free to go where and do what I want. viva le boheme ;)

Anyway I slipped up sometime last year, for a few months, but it just made me more determined to never let my obvious thing for damaged people cloud my judgement again. I’m more confident in myself the older I get, and its a lovely thing.

But apparently the kind of person I am is something that people want these days.
the girl that can hold a conversation with anyone that takes the time to speak to her. the girl that will make you laugh because she’s never happier than when she’s laughing with friends. the girl that would prefer takeaway than a fancy restaurant.

is it wrong that this makes me angry? that for years, none of that meant anything. no one bothered to look past the fact that I didn’t have the nicest clothes, that I was never the thinnest or the prettiest. and now, now that we’re all over 20 and ‘adults’, its suddenly so blaringly obvious that I’m a decent person thats worth that extra bit of time?

fuck you. I’m finally okay with myself after all those years of niggling doubt that there was something wrong with me and NOW you’re all into me?

let just put it this way, I said I was never the ‘babe’ that everyone wanted, and I’m still not now. leave me alone. If I liked you, you’d know about it.
and the funny thing is, I used to be into a lot of you, but you never had the time for me. huh. I guess its Karma, right?